Tabula Rasa
Thoughts about parenthood. From the archives. 2002 to be exact. A short little essay from a short-lived tiny ‘inkslingers’ writing experiment.
The urge to procreate must be innate. Our inkslingers’ record in this regard is, to date, lackluster. Amongst our exclusive membership of five, we’ve managed to produce three progeny, of which I’m one.
That’s not to say that we don’t all have varying degrees of involvement in a younger generation. We count among us (in alphabetical order) aunt, grandmother, mother, and uncle. That’s not counting the hard-earned and honourary titles bestowed upon us: ‘aunty’, godmother, stepmother, and most other variations on ‘step’. And of course we are sons and daughters. All these titles surely qualify us to speak with authority on the matter of “to me, raising children is not worth the risk or the bother”.
What will we say? What will the mother of two grown children say? What will the devoted, but childless and sometimes cynical uncle declare? What about the deeply committed stepmother? How will the sensitive and caring soul inside the analytical self-sufficient engineer express himself? And finally, how does the single-mid-thirties-approaching-hyphen-loving-daughter-friend-godmother-aunt-aunty feel?
I hope that the successful mother of two well-adjusted, self-assured, independent, and creative children will speak honestly. In past discussions she (who hates to be called she) has expressed reservations about her choice for parenthood. Fortunately, well-adjusted daughters understand that it is possible to view the choice of parenthood independently of the fruits of parenthood. Undeniably, there are sacrifices and costs to parenthood. I suspect that she will not stumble over the ‘bother’ of raising children, and by now, she will likely have come to terms with the risks of 3 AM fears, unreturned love (or emails), and loss. I think this much loved mother and recent grandmother struggles to reconcile the road not traveled to the beloved Cobblehill garden path.
The uncle responsible for this month’s theme does not have any children and this state seems unlikely to change. At first glance the suggested theme may appear cynical, and some may be tempted to believe that it reflects the reasoning of its instigator. Not me. In unguarded moments I have witnessed this uncle’s dedication to his relations. Anyone as genuinely concerned for his friends, co-workers, biking partners, and family, as he, is well versed in the risks and bothers of the non-self. Having recently suffered a terrible and unexpected loss, I think this theme stems from an urge to reflect on the risks of life and love.
The stepmother stands with feet planted firmly on the middle ground. She is certainly as familiar with the bothers of raising children (teenagers in particular) as she is with the joys of sharing in their successes. In addition to the usual risks accompanying parenthood, a stepmother adds rejection, line crossing, and role redundancy to her risk burden. As a loyal friend to many and many different kinds of people, she will note that parenthood occurs in many different forms. I predict that this life-loving, warm, unconventional, risk-taking stepmother will make a strong case for adoptive, biological, step, and honourary parenthood.
To some the idea of parenthood seems premature; circumstances and choices preclude its occurrence in the near future. Such is the case with the studiously inclined engineer. Recent recognitions of the importance of relationships may weigh on his mind, but to parent or not to parent can be deferred for a few more years. Being an introspective, analytical sort, he will carefully weigh the pros and cons and develop a carefully constructed, fully hedged position. But then again, he may surprise me.
Finally, I must consider my own position. I’m well into childbearing years, but remain childless. This status, unlike the ‘parent’ status, offers the luxury of being potentially non-permanent. Thus, having not ruled anything out, for me, this month’s theme is still relevant, in a non-theoretical way. Speaking strictly from a would be parent’s point of view, I tend to believe that the answer to the question of whether or not raising children is worth the risk and bother is “yes”. Yet, the converse is not necessarily true. The conditions of tolerable risk and bother are not sufficient to persuade me to raise a child. For me, the determining factors on the question of child raising are inspiration, desire, commitment, and opportunity. I remain undecided.
The question of whether or not raising children to continue our species’ romp on this earth is worth the risk to our precious globe, I leave unanswered. However, I can answer to those who took the time to raise my co-inkslingers that their risks and bothers were well spent and are much appreciated.